


A Good Ol’ Fashioned Bank Heist

by enemytosleep



Series: Camping Trip of Doom [6]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Bickering, Gen, Heist, Snark, Sneakiness, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-09-17 20:41:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16981467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enemytosleep/pseuds/enemytosleep
Summary: They need money, and they need it fast.





	A Good Ol’ Fashioned Bank Heist

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KristenSharpe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KristenSharpe/gifts).



> Written for the 2018 Fandom_Stocking exchange on Dreamwidth.

“All right, my underlings,” Greed paused to make a show of sitting on one of the logs someone had previously dragged over to the campfire, casually adjusting his pants as they all waited for him to continue speaking. “I’m opening the floor for discussion: how to acquire more cash.” He flipped up his jacket collar, then looked at his team, each in turn. “Go. ”

Ed huffed loudly. “Right, so as I said before, I actually have an account at the bank in Willsden.” He jerked his thumb to his left. “Al and I had deposited money there privately the one time so the military wouldn’t leech from it.”

Heinkle finished taking a long pull from the tin mug they used for coffee. “You know how banks work, right, Elric? The government knows that money’s there.” 

“ _Anyway_ ,” Ed continued, “I was thinking we could withdraw that. There should be enough there to cover food and maybe some hotel for the next month.”

Darius sighed. ‘While that all sounds well and good, I highly doubt that we can just walk in and withdraw from Edward Elric’s personal account without, you know, being caught?”

 _”We could wear disguises,”_ the prince said quietly. It wasn’t a terrible idea.

“What about disguises?” Greed asked aloud.

“We’ve done that before with success,” Heinkle wiped his mustache pensively, “but we’d also used fake names. Again, Edward Elric’s account is surely under watch right now.”

“What if it was my aunt and uncle? Like, they needed the money and they knew Al and I had an account here?”

“Dibs on Uncle Elric,” Heinkle called, index finger pointed skyward.

“I’m not wearing a dress,” Darius said flatly.

 _”I can wear a dress!”_ Ling said.

“Ling can wear a dress,” Ed said at the same time.

“I am _not_ wearing a dress.” Greed crossed his arms and gave the little dweeb a hard stare. In his mind, Greed ignored the prince’s suggestion that Ed wear the dress if Greed felt they weren’t pretty enough.

“This seems like a bad idea,” Heinkle said. “What about making some money? You know, with alchem—“

“HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS THAT I CAN’T JUST MAKE GOLD?” Ed was on his feet, arms in the air. “There’s the whole _equivalent exchange_ thing, one of the foundational laws of alchemy!” 

“What about making bank notes with alchemy?” Darius asked.

Ed deflated, almost literally, plopping back onto the log he’d been sitting on before. “It won’t work. You’d have to have forgery skills to make a convincing note.”

“So you’ve tried before, then?” Greed asked.

“Yeah. I was fourteen and hungry, and I’d used my stipend on other things.” Ed looked at the ground, face slightly flushed. “It was a no go.”

“Getting caught with forged notes would be almost as regrettable as being caught in disguises.” Darius said. “What about breaking into the vault after hours, then?”

Greed watched his men ponder this latest idea, then rolled it over in his own mind for a moment. His team was good at breaking things, so a small town bank vault would be no issue. It could work. _”Ed can do it with alchemy, I’m quite sure,”_ Ling said.

Ed perked up just then, eyes full of fire almost as if he, too, could hear the prince’s thoughts. Weird. “Okay, so! We wait until nightfall. Then I tunnel from the woods right up under the building, and come up straight into the vault. It’ll be behind the door, so the alarm won’t sound—“

Heinkle interrupted Ed. “No one will hear anything, I’m sure.”

Ed continued, pointedly ignoring the chimera. “I take the money. _My_ money, so it’s not actually stealing--“

It was Darius who interrupted this time. “This plan gets better and better.”

“And then I close it up behind me, so no one even notices in the morning.”

“Kid,” Heinkle was getting into his old man stride now, “you _do_ realize the military’s gonna need two whole seconds to figure out that it was you in that bank, right? And that we can’t be far off?”

“How would they even know anyone was there?”

Darius looked to Heinkle, then gave Ed a disbelieving look. “We’ve seen enough of your alchemy to know how loud that shit is.”

“Don’t forget the alchemy lights.”

“Ah, yeah, and all the alchemy lights flashing and lighting up the vault from the inside while an armed guard stands outside the door. This is after you’ve silently shifted hundreds of feet of dirt and rock to form the tunnel. They’ll never think to check what’s happening!”

Ed sulked. “Well I don’t see anyone else coming up with ideas.”

_”I could sneak into the bank. You know I’m very good at being stealthy!”_

_“I’m not leaving you in charge of a mission, Little Prince.”_

_“I’m only offering to help.”_

“Greed?” It was Ed who’d asked. 

“Guys, it’s just a bank in a tiny hodunk town. I can walk right in and take whatever I want. Ultimate Shield.”

“You can’t just walk in a take honest people’s money!” Ed and his do-gooder bullshit was always freaking annoying. 

“Uh, Greed here.” He jabbed a thumb at his own chest. “I most certainly can.”

“The kid’s got his higher ground thing,” Heinkle said, “which is respectable and all, but starving to death before he can do the thing and save the country doesn’t do these people any favors either.”

“What about Ling?” Ed asked, clearly grasping at straws. “Can’t he ninja sneak his way in there and take the money from my account?”

Darius answered for the group. “We already established that we can’t take _only_ your money without alerting everyone that we’re here. We have to make it look like a regular robbery.”

“I don’t like this,” Ed said. “I really don’t like this.”

_”Oh, Greed? I may have remembered something only just now.”_

Greed huffed, then pointed at Ed. “I don’t care if you don’t like it. I don’t like all the complaining about food and money, and yet here I am, a magnanimous leader, trying to crowdsource a solution.” Greed stood. “Meeting’s over. I’ll be back by morning.”

Ed shot to his feet, “Greed? What the hell are you planning?”

“I’ll figure something out, you just stay here and don’t do anything stupid.” Ed was still complaining as Greed stalked out of the clearing, but it seemed the chimerae were already talking him down. His hired help were getting pretty good at their jobs as time went on; he hardly even had to direct them anymore.

_”Oi, Princey-poo. So what was that idea about swiping wallets at the market?”_

_“See, that’s the thing: I’ve already done it.”_

Greed saw a scene flash in their shared mind, then felt the weight in his pockets for the first time. How had he not noticed this earlier?

_”I don’t recall giving you permission to use this body.”_

_“I know, but I knew we’d need the money, and when pickpocketing, it’s all about timing. I couldn’t wait for you to argue your invalid points while the opportunity was ripe.”_

_“Ed’s gonna be pissed when he finds out.”_ Greed laughed, imagining the alchemist’s face contorting with outrage.

_“Give him noodles first. And coffee! He’s a simple creature at heart.”_

And really, weren’t they all?


End file.
